Dear
......................,
I am writing this letter to
tell you that you deserve better. It isn't your fault! No matter how
hard you try to please an abuser, no matter how many times you try to do better,
sooner or later more than likely they will abuse you again. It's not your fault!
Part of you wants to believe
that if you could somehow change yourself the emotional/physical beatings would
stop. If only you were a better person that this would not be happening to
you. Despite the logical part of your brain telling you that it isn't your
fault, the emotional part of you is probably saying that 'if" only you did
something different the abuse would stop. Don't believe it!
There are millions of
people around the world, just like you, many of them sweet, caring
wonderful people, who feel that they are doing something wrong, that if they
somehow change their behavior that their abuser will stop punishing them.
No matter what they do, no matter how hard they try, as long as they stay with
an abusive person, the abuser will 'find" something to get angry at them
for. The abuser will find a reason to hurt them emotionally/physically,
and afterwards the abuser will say "I didn't want to hurt you, you made me
do it, if you are more careful and do things better it won't happen
again".
Abuse, is a
cycle of emotional/physical
violence. Think of it as a circle where things go around and around.
The victims does something that the abuser gets mad about. The abuser
takes out their anger on the victim. Then they apologize. Then they say
they are so sorry, that it won't happen again. Soon after they start
saying that it was your fault. That you made them do it. Then they start
warning you not to make them do it again. Sooner or later something
happens (they come home in a bad mood, etc) and they find an excuse to hurt you
(again). The circle starts again apologize (I'm sorry), promise (I'll never do
it again), blame (if only you had...), threats (be good so I don't have too..),
violence... You have to decide for yourself, no one else can do it for
you, are you being realistic, will the abuse stop or are you making excuses
because you are afraid to leave.
If you want to change your
life, if you want the abuse to stop, first you have to accept that "It
wasn't your fault!" If you make the decision to leave, then you
should also decide, am I leaving and then going to come back or am I going to
leave and never come back. If you believe that the abuse would just
start again (be honest with yourself) perhaps you need to make a decision such
as "there are no second chances, that you are leaving
and never come back".
This is your decision, no one
else can or should make it for you, all we are suggesting is that when you make
a decision, one way or the other, that you should also decide to stick with it, that constantly
changing your mind may only make things worse.
Leaving and never coming
back sounds scary. As terrible as abuse is, sometimes leaving is too
scary. Things like where do I go, where will I live, how will I find a
job, how will I eat, etc... can be so scary that you may try to convince
yourself to give the abuser one more chance. Then one more chance after
that. Then one more chance. Etc.
Stop a minute. Ask yourself,
How many times have I given him/her one more chance? If it's more than
one, it's probably too many. Yes, a few abusers do change, but for
everyone that promises to change and does, there are hundreds that promise to
change and don't.
Want to leave, but afraid? There are people all over the world that want to help. The
people who wrote this letter wrote it because they cared. Hundreds of
people researched all kinds of things to help you, because they care.
There are hundreds of agencies and organizations just waiting for a chance to
help you, because they care. Because they feel you deserve better.
Only one person can make
the decision to leave, that is you. What we are trying to do is make it an
easier choice for you, to show you that there are people and places you can go
for help. We are offering you a place to start, the first step towards a new
life, but it's up to you to decide whether to take that first step or not.
If you are ready to change your life, start by understanding your fears and what
you can do about them..
Let's start "not"
by addressing your fears of the abuser, but may be a bigger fear. Your biggest
fear is may actually be "Where will I go, who will I talk to and how will I survive
if I do leave?"
First, there are all kinds
of places on the internet you can go to find out about the causes,
effects and feelings associated with being a victim of abuse. Just
click on the blue words (hyperlinks) in this letter or visit our website at
KnightsOfKindness.com
to find any of the information listed here. Our site provides all
kinds of information on abuse, even a story, "One
Tear" to help you understand yourself, you situation, and that you do
indeed deserve better.
If you have reached the
conclusion that you deserve a better life, and that you want to leave, your
first concern is where will I go? If you don't have friends or family that can
offer you a place to stay, there are
abuse shelters,
that will offer you a safe place (Haven Of Hope)
to start your life over. There are abuse agencies
and organizations that can offer you call kinds of advice from where to go
to how to protect yourself. Some of your concern might have to do with
what if the abuser tries to
stalk you (how
to put stalkers in jail).
Whether the
victim is you, or a child that you believe is being abused there are things you
can do. For instance we have included pages on
law
enforcement and
power letters (if you
know and an abused child and no one will listen to you this tutorial on power
letters was written with you, the child and putting the abuser behind bars in
mind.) There are state and federal laws to
protect you and you can find, read and print them from this website.
You can also find the state laws (they are called STATE STATUTES) by
visiting the library and asking the librarian to show you the STATE STATUTES ON ABUSE. These
are the exact laws on abuse, the responsibilities of the police and the courts
to help protect you. Federal Laws
regarding abuse are available at
Haven of Hope.
Maybe you need to find a lawyer, a good place
to start is at the American Bar Association Website
or by finding bar associations in your state.
You may also have financial
concerns. You can go to an abuse shelter for a
few weeks or a few months, the people there will assist you in finding work, but
what about money? If you, and you children, need financial assistance
there are many public assistance programs
that can help. These programs can help with everything from
food,
shelter,
school
lunch for the kids, to assistance for those with
medical
and disabilities. There are even
programs to assist the poor with
free
medications. If you are a
senior citizen
you might need help with programs like
social
security. If you buried your
emotions
(sadness/anxiety/depression)
in an addiction such as food,
cigarettes,
alcohol
or
drugs
there are
addiction
recovery programs and
organizations that
can help. Whatever fear you have of facing, we have the information
for you here on this site to help you overcome
both the problem and the fear of leaving. If we don't, ask and we will put it on
the site for you within a few days.
Maybe you need information
on the cheapest way to travel by
bus,
plane or
train across the country (online maps) to a safe place
and hotels or
campgrounds
along the way. Maybe you need advice on how to
save
money on things like
cars,
homes,
apartments,
utilities,
etc. Perhaps you would like to go back to
school
but need advice on how to get
scholarships,
etc... Whatever it is, you can either find it
find
it here, or you can
contact us and
we will put the information on the website for you and everyone else.
If you need someone
to talk to in an emergency situation or just a listening ear you can call one of
the hotlines listed on our website,
or you can look in one of the
online yellow page
directories and type in your city, state and what information you are
looking for (abuse, police, suicide, etc) and a listing of local and
national numbers will appear on your computer.
Help is a click
or a call away, now you know that people care about you, that there are others
just like you, that you are not alone and you now have information on how to
overcome your biggest fear in life (leaving the abuser and starting over on your
own. The decision is yours, and yours alone, no one can do it for you, but
if you are ready to start a new life, there are good and caring people all over
the world willing to provide you with information on how to begin a new life.
