"WHY MY GRANDMOTHER HATES HUMMINGBIRDS"
The following is a true story.
The first time I heard this joke I
was 7 years old. To this day, I still believe it is the funniest joke I
have ever heard. Only mention a hummingbird in public when my family or
friends are around and you will get all kinds of strange reactions. Some
people will begin leaving for the restrooms, others will beg the teller
to please shut up, and the rest of us, we just start laughing.
This joke is for my grandmother, Dona Selig, God rest her soul. She always
hated this joke, but it still brings back fond memories... And my grandfather,
Stanley Selig, it shows him as I always remembered him: calm even in the
face of disaster. I will tell it to you exactly as I heard it that very
first time.
As I said the first time I heard this
joke I was 7 years old. My grandparents had invited the entire family to
a family reunion at the HollyHock Hills Restaurant in Indiana for Thanksgiving
Dinner. It was a fancy, but not stuffy, restaurant. Everyone was quiet,
but polite and friendly. Exactly the kind of place to tell the humming
bird story.
Here we all are, dressed in our best. I must admit I looked rather dapper
in my suit and tie. Although, as a seven year-old all I could think was,
this itches.
About halfway through dinner, my Aunt Suzie (who, as usual, had had more
than one drink) asked me, my little brother and my little sister if we
would like to hear the Hummingbird Story. Even at that age, I knew she
was telling it just for me. I was a child who could truly appreciate a
genuinely funny joke.
As soon as the words "Hummingbird" had escaped my Aunt's lips,
my grandmother's face changed almost instantly. She got that irritated
look that older adults sometimes get when their adult children are about
to do something against the rules. Grandma made the rules, but Suzie refused
to follow. Suzie was a rebel without a cause, and more than one drink.
Suzie ignored Grandma and looked me in the eyes. She said, "Well,
do you want to hear the Hummingbird Story or not?"...
I said yes.
Suzie started to tell a story about three hummingbirds. A Daddy Hummingbird,
a Mommy Hummingbird and a Baby Hummingbird.
Suzie said that the three hummingbirds
had to fly south for the winter, but the mommy and daddy hummingbird were
worried because the baby hummingbird had been born so late in the season
and had not yet learned to fly.
At this point, I look over and my father is starting to giggle (he was
kind of mischievous and enjoyed a good joke himself). On the other hand,
my mother was a stuffed shirt and told Suzie to stop. Grandma made a throat
clearing noise. Grandpa looked up once and started eat from the huge stacks
of chicken the waiter had brought. (chicken on Thanksgiving? My memory
is going or my family is a little strange)
I realized that I was the only person at our table of 20 people who had
not heard the hummingbird story before, except for the babies, my little
brother and sister.
More than anything, I wanted to be treated like an adult. I knew I would
get in trouble for it, but I could not help myself. I begged Suzie to tell
me the Hummingbird Story.
Suzie was now the center of attention at our table. Some were listening,
others made a point of ignoring her, but she had everyone's attention.
Suzie said "Now Stevie, by now you are old enough to understand that
hummingbirds fly south in the fall and north in the spring."
I said, "Of course, everyone knows that!", looking pointedly
at my little brother and sister, who had not a clue.
Suzie resumed, "Well the momma and daddy hummingbirds spent the morning
teaching their baby how to fly. It was a long, and sometimes painful process,
but eventually the baby hummingbird learned to rise off the ground and
fly a more or less straight line."
"Finally, the momma and daddy decided it was time to fly south. They
remained nervous, but what could they do. Winter was coming and there just
wasn't time for flying lessons."
"The mommy hummingbird instructed her baby that they were flying south
and that the baby hummingbird was to follow right behind her."
"The three hummingbirds rose up off the ground and started flying
south, with the baby hummingbird awkwardly following his parents."
"After a few hours, the baby hummingbird became more proficient at
flying. He flew up next to his parents and then began to lag behind. He
was absolutely thrilled with flying. He was beginning to master its secrets.
He flew faster, he flew slow, he flew up, and he flew down."
About this point in the story, Grandma
said, "Suzie, that is enough! We are buying dinner at a fancy restaurant
and we will not have you ruin it." My Dad was laughing under his breath.
Mom was making a hurumph noise. I noticed that a few of our relatives had
disappeared to the rest rooms and that Grandfather was making a point of
quietly eating his dinner and ignoring the whole thing.
Suzie looked at me with a wicked (later I learned it is called "bombed")
look in her eyes. She asked, "Do you want to hear the rest of the
story?"
I begged, I pleaded, and, against Grandma's wishes, Suzie resumed the story.
Suzie said, "The baby hummingbird had wandered away from his parents
and his mother came after him. She scolded him and said, 'you better be
careful, you might get lost'."
"For over an hour, the lil hummingbird stayed right behind his mother,
but being a baby hummingbird (you know how little baby hummingbirds are,
don't you?) he began to get bored. He practiced flying circles, rising
up and down, left turns, right turns, the whole deal...."
Once again, Grandma (whose face was really red), said, "SUZIE, STOP!"
This made Dad laugh so hard he turned red. Mom gave dad a dirty look. I
noticed that more than half the people were now missing from the table,
but Grandpa was still eating calmly and slowly like nothing was happening.
I begged, I cried, I pleaded. I thought I was finally being treated as
an adult. I figured this is one of those dirty jokes that I heard adults
tell but which I never quite understood.
Reaching for another drink, Suzie
resumed her story.
"The baby hummingbird had once
again wandered from his parents. His mother came over, gave him a good
telling off and spanked his tail feathers."
"For two more hours, the baby hummingbird was well behaved. He tried
so hard, but you know how lil humming birds are, don't you? Then he saw
an eagle."
Grandma became glassy eyed. Dad was in hysterics. Mom was so red I thought
she was going to explode. Grandpa continued eating as though nothing was
happening...
Suzie grabbed the bottle off the table and refilled her glass.
Suzie's eyes were on fire with the sheer joy of telling a great joke (or
the booze) and she resumed,
"The little baby hummingbird was impressed with the sheer majesty
of the eagle. The eagle was awesome. The baby hummingbird began to follow
the eagle. The eagle looked annoyed and started to fly faster."
"The little hummingbird flew faster. The eagle did a flip. The baby
hummingbird did a flip. The eagle banked left, then right, then left again.
The baby hummingbird banked left, right, left. The eagle did all kinds
of acrobatics. The baby hummingbird, being versatile, did them better.
Finally, the eagle flew straight up into the sky with the baby hummingbird
following, up, up, up....."
"The eagle then turned and dived. The baby hummingbird followed. Faster
and faster down they went. To the baby hummingbird everything had become
a blur, when all of a sudden the eagle spread its wings and swooped back
up. The baby hummingbird was so busy watching the eagle he almost didn't
see the ground in time. As it was, he had to throw out his wings and hit
the ground rather awkwardly."
"He wasn't really hurt, just his pride, but now he wanted his mommy...
He looked all over for his parents but he could not see them anywhere.
He began to cry..."
At this point, Grandpa was eating quietly, Dad was laughing so hard he
could hardly breathe, no other adult was at the table. Grandma had just
risen and was starting for the bathroom..............
With the gleam of total victory in her eyes, Suzie said, "The lil
hummingbird was lost". She asked me if I knew how a baby hummingbird
that was lost could find it's mother. I shook my head no...
Suzie turned towards Grandmother, and at the top of her lungs screamed...
"HEY MOM"
And of course, the point of the
whole joke had been for Suzy to embarrass her mother (Grandma) in public.
Mom was MAD! Suzy resumed eating as if nothing had happened. Dad
fell out of his chair laughing. Which made Mom even madder. Grandma turned
red and walked stolidly to the bathroom talking about birth control, the
rest of the family eventually returned to the table.... and grandpa? He
just kept eating....
Thank You for sharing one of my favorite
Thanksgiving memories with me...
BaddTeddy (Steven W. Nunnally - Ft Myers, FL) 
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