Abuse

Addictions

A Tutorial 

On How To Stand Up For What You Believe In

Good Morning,

Many of us at some time in our lives have run into a problem that we simply can't fix ourselves.  We need help.  However, when we turn to those who are supposed to help us (law enforcement, government agencies, the school systems, organizations of various types, businesses, etc...) they ''sometimes" turn a deaf ear, make excuses, ignore us or turn a deaf ear to our problem.  

The most common scenario is that we have reached someone who listens with only one ear, only hears what they want to hear and then sits on their hands.

One of the most common examples I hear is: 

"________ is physically/sexually abusing a child. I have gone to the police, local child protection services, etc, and no one takes me seriously.  They check on the child, but only after the bruises have had days or even weeks to heal.  This child is suffering great pain, pain that will last long after the bruises are gone, but they refuse to listen.  The child is terrified to speak up in their own defense.  The only hope this child has is for someone to come while the bruises are still visible." How do I force them to listen?"

This tutorial is designed to answer that question, not just for those trying to help an abused child, but for anyone who has asked (government, business, etc) to help, and who has not received the help that they deserve.

IDENTIFY AND SIMPLIFY THE PROBLEM

Often times, people take a problem and make it too complicated.  They get emotionally involved (Nothing wrong with that), but they let their emotions take control of the situation.  When trying to solve the problem first they confuse themselves, and then they confuse those that they are asking for help by making the problem too complicated.  So the first step is to ''identify exactly what the problem is in just a few words" (Not the emotional equivalent of a rambling fifty page letter) and write the problem down on a piece of paper.  Using the example from above about the abused child, I would simply write down.

(Child's name) is being abused.

STATE WHAT YOU ARE ASKING THEM TO DO

Believe it or not, often the two biggest reasons that people receive the deaf listener attitude by those they ask for help is that they "confuse" and "exhaust" (Bore) the person they are asking for help.  The listener is just like you and I.  They don't want to listen to a four hour speech about a problem.  They want to know exactly what the problem is, and what you are asking them to do about it. They don't want to hear hours and hours about your emotions, they want to know what the problem is and how they can help. 

(Child's name) is being abused, can you come look at the bruises "today" before they fade away?

DON'T WASTE PEOPLE'S TIME WITH LONG, ANGRY LETTERS

Fifty page letters full of your emotions will not help solve the problem.  If you want someone to help, the first step is to "stop trying to force them to listen" and instead allow them to ask questions.  No one, not you, not me, and definitely not the person you are asking for help, likes to listen to a long, angry lecture.  It's boring and confusing.  There are people in the world that you and I like to listen to and there are people that bore us so much that we want to run and hide.  The difference is that one person is a story teller (they tell us just enough information that it makes us curious and want to hear more) and the other person sounds like a raving lunatic.  Take a look at your letters (Or listen to how you describe the problem to others) and ask... "Does this sound like something that most people would be interested in reading, or am I going to scare them away with too much detail and too many angry words?"

Many of us are afraid that people will not listen to us. We feel insecure in our ability to explain the problem in a way that people will listen.  We try to force the information down the listener's throat.  We give them huge amounts of detail. We try to force them to believe us.  But if we think about it, we hate it when someone else tries to force us to listen.

Example of what not to do.

This bastard ______ is abusing _____. I am so angry at this #@#@#@, I wish I could take him out and nail him to a tree.  Animals like this.......

Notice that is letter has very little information about the child, in fact, this letter is almost completely about "how the writer feels".  Over the last 6 years, I have gotten hundreds of letters just like this one, asking me for help, and expressing their outrage that ''no one will listen to them"

If you letter sounds like the one above.. Throw it away.

CREATE A CHRONOLOGY OF EVENTS

PLACE A SUMMARY AT THE END AND 

RESTATE WHAT YOU ARE ASKING THEM TO DO

SAMPLE POWER LETTER

EXAMPLE:

Dear _________,

(Child's name) is being abused, can you come look at the bruises "today" before they fade away?  You could make a difference in this child's life!

Jan 1,   2001          _______  had a black eye 

Jan 7,   2001         ________  was limping and seemed to have a sore backside

Feb 2,   2001        ________    stayed home from ............ for a week

Feb 10, 2001         _______    jumped nervously when parent picked them up early

Feb 27, 2001         _______    broken finger

Feb 27, 2001        Called  Police - Spoke to Sgt. Lewis

Mar 13, 2001        _______    fits of uncontrollable crying

Mar 14, 2001        ______       black eye

Mar 14, 2001        Called Child Services - spoke to Mrs. Hizen

Apr 27, 2001        ______      black eye

Apr 27, 2001         Called Child Services - spoke to Mrs Hizen, 

                                 faxed letter    (From  here  up)

                                 to Mrs. Hizen

May 21, 2001        Witnessed ______ running from car crying, chased down by ______,                  and smacked across face several times.   Childs nose bleeding,  bruises apparent.

May 21, 2001        Faxing this letter to (you), and Mrs. Hizen and Sgt Lewis

                                Following up each fax with a phone call today

What I am asking for:

I have reason to believe that this child, _______, is being abused on a fairly regular basis.  By the time that the police or child services visit the child's home the injuries have had time to heal, and the child is afraid to speak up.  This child needs "'you''.  Please check up on this child TODAY (before the bruises disappear).

                                            THANK YOU FOR HELPING __________,

                                             xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

                                             xxx-xxxx

P.S.  Please feel free to call me for details and a list of witnesses.

WAS THE LETTER EFFECTIVE?

Read the letter above and ask yourself, "Was the letter effective?"  Did it (1) state the problem, (2) explain what you want, (3) create a chronological series of events that adequately demonstrate the problem (4) summarize the problem again and restate what you want them to do and (5) offer to provide them with additional information and witnesses?

Do you think the letter above effectively demonstrated the problem, what steps the writer had taken up until now, and that these steps had so far been ineffective? And most importantly, do you think the reader understands the problem, wants to help and clearly understands what it is you want them to do and when you want them to do it?

COMPARE YOUR LETTERS

 AND CONVERSATIONS WITH THE SAMPLE LETTER

After reading this sample power letter, sit down and read copies of letters you have written in regard to the problem you want to solve and conversations you have had with people you were asking for help.

Did you provide a clear concise explanation of the problem, starting with the first event and moving chronologically up until today or did you confuse the person you were asking for help?

Did you waste time expressing "your anger", "your frustrations" and "your personal feelings" or did you simply state the problem and what you want them to do to help?

WRITE YOUR LETTER OVER AGAIN

My guess is that the vast majority of you are looking at your letters (reviewing conversations in your head) and saying....  Hmmmmmmmm....  Maybe.... There was a better way to have approached people for help.

It's not too late.  Sit down, place the sample letter above next to you, and start over. Explain the problem, the solution, and the sequence of events, and don't waste time blasting people or over-stating your emotions.

It is acceptable to show you care about something, for instance in the sample letter it would have been okay to mention what a sweet and wonderful child ________ is, indeed, that might even help.  However, never waste time expressing your anger for more than one sentence (for example:  What happens to this little boy makes me want to cry <--- This is acceptable, 20 pages of anger is not).

Sit down, re-write your letter, ask a friend to review it and ask them to 'shorten' it (SHORT IS BETTER).  And then let's decide who to send it to and how.

HOW TO SEND THE LETTER

One of the key features of a power letter is that you have to choose the right people to send it to.  Most people who run into roadblocks when seeking help simply don't know who to contact.  Myself, I like to start with one individual, target them with the original responsibility of helping (in the very nicest way possible), offer them a few chances to help (always using VERY KIND LANGUAGE), and then either start moving up the ladder or including more and more people on the letter (Sending copies to many people at once where they can all see who you sent it too).

If you your first few letters fail, you will now be sending it to multiple people at once.  The idea being that people don't like being embarrassed publicly for "not doing their job".  You will be showing the names, addresses, phone and fax numbers for all the recipients on every copy of the letter.  The most effective way to do this is by fax. 

Most computers (You are using one right now to read this) come with a free fax program installed. I suggest learning how to use it.  Then you can write a letter one time, fax it to the people you want to contact, and if they don't give you a satisfactory response you can fax them the same (or different) letter again.  Each time you can add to the chronology the date, time and people that you faxed the letter too.  Fax is by far the fastest, easiest and most effective way to send these multiple letters to many people.  If not by fax, then regular mail is usually sufficient, although in some cases I recommend using "certified mail - return receipt requested" where the recipient has to sign for the letter and the post office sends you proof that they received the letter.

THE FIRST LETTER

The first step in asking for help is a normal letter asking one person or one agency to help you. They will either offer to help (Problem solved), delay and stall, or refuse to help.  Generally give these people a couple of chances, each time trying to find a different approach as to how to state the problem and the solution.  No matter how angry they may make you feel, it is "very important" to always write kind and polite letters. Never, under any circumstances, write an angry letter.  At a later date these letters can be used against you (the recipient can show them to others saying "look what a nut case this is").  Kind words are a vital part of winning.

Decide now, do you want to win your objective or do you want to express anger.  If you want to win, BE NICE, if you want to express anger, most likely you are going to lose.  Remember, you may end up sending this letter to a list of people, you don't want any of these people turning around and mailing all the others a copy of a mean or nasty letter you sent them (trying to prove that they are nicer than you) 

If a few nice letters to one individual don't work, you can start moving up the ladder, but the key to success is that your letters always have to be nicer than the replies that you receive.  The nicest person usually wins.

MOVING UP THE POWER LADDER

Now it's time to see just what a power letter can do!

Let's go back to the example of the child, ________, that was abused.

The sender gave the information to Sgt. Lewis the first time. The second time The sender faxed and called Sgt. Lewis and Mrs. Hizen (Child Services), but who was the sender writing to the third time?

My recommendation is to follow the normal chain of command.  Start at the bottom (Sgt. Lewis) with a nice letter/fax/phone call. If that does not resolve the problem move one step up the ladder (Mrs. Hizen at Child Services) while including the first person (Sgt. Hizen).  If that does not work, then move up the ladder again. 

This third letter might be sent to:

Sgt. Lewis and his boss (the Chief Of Police)

Mrs. Hizen and her boss (the head of Child Services at that office)

In each case, you have included the original contact, plus moved up one step in the ladder.  This encourages the first person to act (you did not criticize them publicly, but they are embarrassed to see that their boss is being asked to help resolve a problem that they themselves did not solve).  It asks the people on the next level to help (the bosses) and also makes them worry that maybe if they don't help that your next letter will go higher up the ladder and include their bosses too.

And no one likes having their boss call them and ask....  "Why didn't you fix this the first time?"

FourthLetter:

If this problem occurred again, and nothing had been done, I would suggest they send the letter to the following:

Sgt. Lewis, the Chief Of Police, the Attorney General

The attorney General is the Top Law Enforcement Person In Each State and as an elected official has to worry about ''votes"

Mrs. Hizen, the head of her office, and the top person in child protective services

The School Board - School Board Members carry a lot of clout when it comes to abuse issues. They can help apply pressure to the police and child protective services.

The local newspapers and press - Nothing moves elected officials faster than fear of being criticized in the media.

Local and State Abuse Organizations - Many of these good people will offer to help you find someone who will help.

The Result -

By this time, someone will have taken responsibility for making sure that this child, ______ has been checked for bruises.  Many people care about the children, but even more effective (From your stand point) is that many of the people on this power ladder will care about their jobs (avoiding public embarrassment).

DO POWER LETTERS REALLY WORK?

I have used power letters over and over again to help people. It doesn't matter who you are fighting, there is generally someone that they don't want to see your letters. Perhaps it is their boss, maybe the media, consumer organizations, victim's organizations or perhaps the general public.  But almost everyone has someone that they don't want you sending the letter too.

I have personally used power letters to fight major companies, have a gang thrown out of a local high school (all nine members were removed from the school system). But even more, I have shown this technique to hundreds of people, and they have gone on to win in situations where previously they had nearly given up hope.

Those who wrote 'kind" informational letters, and followed the chain of command up the ladder (Never criticizing anyone) usually won.  Those who put their emotions and anger ahead of achieving goals usually lost.

So it comes down too... Are you willing to set aside you anger and work smart (win) or are you simply wasting your time venting (lose). The choice of winning or losing is yours.  We cannot fight your battles for you (Sorry folks, I am totally swamped), but.. we have showed you how to slay the evil dragon of indifference, we have given you a sword to fight with, now it's up to you.

WHO TO CONTACT FOR HELP

ONLINE PHONE DIRECTORY

FEDERAL

STATE

CITY

LAW ENFORCEMENT

PROBLEMS WITH LAWYERS

PROBLEMS WITH DOCTORS/HOSPITALS

AMERICAN MEDICAL ASSOCIATION -  This is a great place to contact if you feel that a doctor or hospital is acting contrary to the public interest as the AMA can revoke the doctors/hospitals license if they find that the doctor/hospital is acting immorally, illegally or in less than a professional manner.

CONSUMER PROTECTION ORGANIZATIONS

ORGANIZATIONS 

THAT OFFER HELPFUL ADVICE AND SUPPORT

ABUSE ORGANIZATIONS

ANTI-STALKER ORGANIZATIONS

DISABILITY ORGANIZATIONS

HOMELESS ORGANIZATIONS

MEDICAL ORGANIZATIONS

MISSING CHILDREN ORGANIZATIONS

SENIOR CITIZENS ORGANIZATIONS

FINAL NOTE

We, The Knights of Kindness, do care about you.  We want to give you the information (power) to change your life.  We' can't do it for you, we are already swamped with requests, but...  If you have a question about who to contact or where to start, or you want to see something added to page, please contact us.  We are always happy to research the web to help you find the tools to fight for what is right.

Thank You,

BaddTeddy and the Knights of Kindness

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